11 parenting quotes that will expand your mind
- Rebecca Young
- Oct 15, 2024
- 14 min read
Updated: Dec 3, 2024
Author: Rebecca J Young
Psychotherapist & Counsellor.
CERT. Psychology. BA PsychologIical Science (Student -- 2022-CURRENT). ADV DIP Clinical Hypnotherapy, Psychotherapy, CBT & NLP. DIP Clinical Hypnotherapy, Psychotherapy, CBT & NLP. ACA & PACFA (Acc). DIP Children's Services. Visual Artist, Box Enthusiast, Beach Lover, Book & Craft Nerd, & Mother of 2 Humans & 1 Collie.
SUMMING IT UP: The article below highlights key psychological principles of authoritative (or conscious parenting) parenting, emphasising the duality of the challenges and growth opportunities this style of parenting presents. The article explores how children naturally test boundaries as part of their development and emphasises the importance of maintaining a balance between discipline and empathy. While also addressing the impact of stress on a child's brain, the need for structure, predictability and boundaries, and the significance of emotional validation. Underscoring that parenting isn't about perfection but about learning and evolving with your child. Listening, unconditional love, and avoiding placing emotional burdens on children are essential to fostering healthy, thriving and compassionate relationships.
KEY POINTS:
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There isn't a manual to parenting; it can sometimes be challenging. Our children can seem impulsive; they have the desire to assert control and independence, and they push boundaries often.
However, research has helped us to understand that children must do all of the above to thrive.
“Society reaps what it sows in the way it nurtures its children because stress sculpts the brain to exhibit several antisocial behaviours. Stress can set off a ripple of hormonal changes that permanently wire a child's brain to cope with a malevolent world. Through this chain of events, violence and abuse pass from generation to generation as well as from one society to the next. Many world leaders who have been disciplined through anger and cruelty go in to treat their own people abominably, or to bully other nations. As long as we continue to discipline children like this, we will continue to have terrible wars on both the family and the world stage. One very powerful study illustrates the point. Researchers tracked down Germans who, in World War II, risked their own lives by hiding a Jewish person in their house. When interviewed, the researchers found one common feature of all these people. They had all been socialized in ways that respected their personal dignity " (Sunderland, 2016).
Children must test where the boundaries and limits lie; this is their way of learning and discovering how the world works. Children experiment in testing where these limits and boundaries lie with their bodies to become physically stronger and more capable, and in this same way in all other areas of their development, i.e. social, emotional, cognitive, creative, in their language, etc. Of course, this is a challenge for us as parents. But parenting was never meant to be simple.
I can ground, relax and calm into being a parent I am proud to be when I am reminded of these findings...
Knowing what can appear as "challenging" or "high-need" behaviour is my children thriving and learning how to navigate their world. This motivates me to respond more compassionately and empathetic to my children when they are having a tricky time.
Building on the Key Points
Authoritative (Conscious) Parenting
Authoritative parenting, also called conscious parenting, is grounded in key psychological principles emphasising balance and growth for both parent and child. One major aspect is the natural tendency of children to test boundaries as part of their development. This process provides an opportunity for growth, both for children in learning socially acceptable behaviour and for parents in practising patience and self-regulation.
Parenting can be challenging
Parenting is difficult, as children naturally push boundaries and seek independence. Understanding this helps us as parents to handle challenges with empathy and calmness (Sears & Sears, 2002; Shefali Tsabary, 2014; Sears & Sears, 2002; Sunderland, 2016). A central challenge is maintaining a balance between discipline and empathy. Parents must establish structure, predictability, and boundaries while ensuring emotional validation and understanding of their child's perspective. Firmness without harshness helps children feel safe and respected, fostering emotional resilience.
The impact of stress on children
Stress can negatively affect a child's brain development, leading to antisocial behaviours. Treating children respectfully and with compassion is essential for fostering positive future generations (Sunderland, 2016). Stress can significantly affect a child’s brain, highlighting the importance of creating a supportive, structured environment. While the structure is important, parenting must also be responsive to a child's emotional and individual needs. Recognising their feelings and validating their experiences strengthens trust and emotional security.
Why children need boundaries
Children need boundaries because testing limits is an essential aspect of their development in physical, social, emotional, and cognitive domains (Sunderland, 2016). Boundaries provide a sense of safety and predictability, helping children understand what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't. This structure allows them to navigate the world more confidently, knowing the limits within which they can explore and grow.
From a social and emotional standpoint, boundaries teach children about consequences and self-regulation. By encountering limits, they learn to manage frustration and delay gratification, which are critical for emotional resilience and interpersonal relationships. Boundaries also model respect for others' needs and foster the development of empathy.
Cognitively, clear limits help children develop problem-solving skills. When children test boundaries, they are not only experimenting with independence but are also learning how to adapt and make choices. These experiences contribute to their critical thinking and decision-making abilities.
In essence, boundaries guide children toward responsible, well-rounded development while providing a secure environment supporting exploration and growth.
Being an adaptable and flexible parent
Being an adaptable and flexible parent means recognising that each child is unique, with their own set of needs, temperaments, and developmental timelines. Instead of adhering to rigid expectations about how children "should" behave, parents are encouraged to engage in conscious mindset shifting (Sears & Sears, 2002; Sunderland, 2016). This shift involves focusing on the individuality of each child, acknowledging their differences, similarities, and evolving personalities.
Flexibility in parenting allows for a more responsive approach, enabling parents to adjust their methods to suit their child's specific emotional, cognitive, and physical needs at any given time. For example, one child may need more structure and predictability, while another thrives with more freedom and independence. Adapting to these differences fosters a stronger, more supportive relationship, ensuring that each child feels understood and valued.
This adaptability also involves letting go of comparisons—both with other children and within families. Recognising that no single parenting strategy works for all children can reduce stress and frustration for both the parent and child. Flexibility means being open to trying new approaches when something isn’t working and remaining patient with both the process and the child’s pace of growth.
Ultimately, adaptable parenting nurtures emotional intelligence and resilience in children, as they learn by example how to adjust to life’s challenges. It encourages collaboration between parent and child, fostering trust and open communication while ensuring that the child feels secure, loved, and supported in their individuality.
Learning and growing through parental mistakes
Parenting isn't about perfection; it's about growing and evolving alongside your children (Shefali Tsabary, 2014). Mistakes will happen and are crucial for further development; they help children learn about limitations, both theirs and their parents. What is important is reparation; if you repair well, the mistake will soon be learnt from and forgotten by all involved. What will remain is the memory of the closeness and security that resolving the mistake brought. Listening to a child’s needs and concerns, offering unconditional love, and avoiding placing emotional burdens on them are essential for cultivating healthy, compassionate relationships. Harmonious reparation and conflict resolution foster stronger bonds in the child/parent relationship and all other relationships thereafter.
The value of listening to children
The value of listening to children cannot be overstated, as it lays the foundation for strong communication, trust, and emotional security --when parents engage sincerely with their children, even in seemingly small or trivial matters, they signal that the child's thoughts and feelings are important and worthy of attention; this creates a safe environment for the child to express themselves, knowing they will be heard without judgment or dismissal (Sears & Sears, 2002; Mcbride, 2008; Wallace, 2001).
By actively and attentively listening to children, parents nurture their self-esteem and validate their emotions. This practice fosters open communication, teaching children that their voice matters and that they can share their experiences, concerns, and joys with their parents without fear of being ignored or misunderstood. When children feel heard in everyday conversations, they are more likely to approach their parents with bigger, more complex issues as they grow.
Listening also builds a child's confidence in problem-solving and emotional regulation. When a parent listens attentively, the child learns to articulate their thoughts clearly, reflect on their feelings, and begin to understand how to navigate challenges. This promotes emotional intelligence, as children become more adept at recognizing and expressing their emotions in a healthy way.
Listening enhances the parent-child relationship by deepening trust. Children are more likely to confide in parents who consistently demonstrate that they are present and responsive. This trust is crucial as children grow into adolescence, a time when they may face significant emotional, social, or academic challenges. Knowing they can rely on a parent who listens helps them feel secure in navigating these difficulties.
Listening to children fosters a strong, open relationship where communication flows freely. It sets the stage for a lifelong connection in which children feel supported, respected, and empowered to share their inner world with their parents.
Loving our children without conditions
Ideally, parents should love their children for who they are, not based on their accomplishments (Sears & Sears, 2002; Mcbride, 2008). Taking the time to understand them, on an individual basis, continuing to learn who they are as they grow. Remembering and reminiscing on who they were and allowing space for them to show you who they are now by accepting they are free to change their minds about who they are and who they want to be. We can both embrace how they might have changed or remained while remembering who they were.
Loving children without conditions emphasises unconditional love and acceptance as the foundation of a healthy parent-child relationship. The idea is that children should feel valued and supported for who they are, not just when they meet certain expectations or behave in a specific way. This unconditional love allows them to express emotions, make mistakes, and grow in a safe environment. It ensures that they don’t fear rejection or judgment based on their actions or emotional states.
This means that parents show love and support even when children are struggling, misbehaving, or facing emotional challenges. Rather than focusing on correcting behaviour first, parents respond with empathy, understanding, and co-regulation, helping the child navigate their emotions. This approach helps children feel secure in knowing their worth isn’t tied to their behaviour, encouraging openness and emotional resilience. The goal is to foster trust, allowing children to feel safe in expressing their true selves without fearing that their parent’s love is conditional or dependent on their performance.
Loving without conditions does not mean ignoring boundaries or discipline; it means balancing firm, fair guidance with empathy and unwavering support. This approach can nurture a child’s self-esteem and emotional intelligence, helping them become more secure, self-aware individuals.
Children's emotional needs
Responding with love during a child's most challenging moments is crucial for their emotional security and development (Sunderland, 2016; Dann, 2024; Knost, 2013; Wallace, 2001). Children’s emotional needs go beyond basic care such as food, warmth shelter; they require consistent emotional support to feel secure, understood, and valued.
When parents respond with love, especially during a child's most challenging moments—like heightened emotional responses, outbursts, or difficult transitions—they create a safe emotional environment for their child to navigate complex feelings; This kind of response fosters emotional regulation, teaches empathy, and strengthens the parent-child bond; It also shows children that their worth is not tied to their behaviour but rather to who they are, which is essential for their long-term emotional development (Sunderland, 2016; Dann, 2024; Knost, 2013; Wallace, 2001).
Sustaining parent-child boundaries
Ideally, parents must maintain appropriate boundaries, avoiding burdening children with adult problems or emotions, as this can have severe lifelong repercussions for the child (Mcbride, 2008). Sustaining healthy boundaries between parents and children is essential for the child’s emotional and psychological development; when parents fail to maintain these boundaries and involve children in adult issues—such as financial struggles, relationship conflicts, or personal emotional burdens—the child may feel overwhelmed, insecure, or responsible for problems they are not equipped to handle.
This "parentification" of the child can lead to stress, anxiety, and difficulties with emotional regulation, impacting the child well into adulthood. Setting clear boundaries ensures that children can grow in an environment where they feel safe, supported, and free to develop without the pressure of adult responsibilities. Boundaries also model for the child how to manage relationships healthily and respectfully in the future (McBride, 2008). This approach allows parents to protect their child’s emotional world while modelling appropriate emotional sharing and personal responsibility.
Why children are not responsible for parents' emotions
It's the parent's responsibility to manage their emotions, not the child’s job to make them happy or alleviate their stress (Dann, 2024). Empathy, understanding, and emotional support are all crucial elements of effective and compassionate parenting -- It is the parent's job to provide these things to their children who have underdeveloped brains and nervous systems (not the other way around) (Sampson, 2018; Shefali Tsabary, 2014; Wallace, 2001; Sunderland, 2016).
Children are not equipped, either emotionally or cognitively, to manage or be responsible for their parents' emotions. Their brains are still developing, and they lack the maturity, experience, and psychological tools necessary to process complex adult emotions. Expecting children to alleviate a parent's stress, anxiety, or emotional pain (which includes treating children as if they are friends) places an undue burden on them and can lead to feelings of guilt, confusion, and emotional distress. When parents rely on their children to fulfil emotional needs or regulate their own moods, the child may feel compelled to suppress their own feelings to keep the parent happy, leading to long-term emotional dysregulation, insecurity, and even codependency (Tsabary, 2014; Sunderland, 2016).
It is the parent's role to provide empathy, understanding, and emotional support for their children, helping them navigate and process their emotions rather than projecting their own stress or emotional difficulties onto their children. By doing this, parents create a safe, nurturing environment where the child feels secure and free to express their emotions without the fear of burdening the parent. This kind of emotional support is vital for healthy brain development, resilience, and forming secure attachments, which are foundational for the child's emotional and psychological well-being throughout life (Sampson, 2018; Wallace, 2001).
When parents take responsibility for their own emotional regulation, they model healthy emotional management for their children. This not only teaches children how to handle their own feelings but also fosters a strong, balanced parent-child relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and emotional safety.
Reflecting on and validating our children's (and our own) experiences
Reflecting on and validating children's emotions is a key aspect of nurturing their emotional development and fostering a sense of security. When parents take the time to acknowledge and empathise with their child's feelings, they send a powerful message: the child’s emotions are real, important, and worth paying attention to. This process not only helps children feel heard and understood but also teaches them to recognise and manage their own emotions more effectively as they grow (Tsabary, 2014).
Validation goes beyond simply agreeing with the child; it involves acknowledging their emotional experience without judgment and showing them that their feelings are legitimate. This form of emotional support is crucial in the early stages of development, as it helps children build self-confidence, emotional intelligence, and resilience. When parents consistently reflect and validate their child's emotions, they create a safe environment for the child to express themselves without fear of being dismissed or misunderstood (Wallace, 2001).
Parents who reflect on their own emotions and experiences, in turn, model healthy emotional processing. When parents acknowledge their feelings—whether it's frustration, sadness, or joy—and communicate them openly and appropriately, they set an example for their children. This modelling demonstrates how to manage complex emotions, showing children that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions and that they can be handled constructively.
In contrast, when parents dismiss or minimise a child’s feelings, the child may grow up feeling emotionally invalidated, leading to confusion, self-doubt, or an inability to trust their own mind and emotional experiences. Validating both the child's and the parent's emotions fosters mutual understanding, deepens the parent-child bond, and supports the emotional well-being of the family as a whole.
Below are 11 parenting quotes that will expand your mind completely...
2."Parenting consciously isn’t about “getting it right” all the time, but about evolving together. Children are immensely forgiving, and neither are they irreparably damaged by those times when we come up short. On the contrary, they learn to accept their own limitations through seeing us accept ours" (Shefali Tsabary, 2014).
3. "Your love for your children needs to be based on who they are and not merely what they can do. Know who your children are. Know what they like and dislike and what they are interested in separate from you and your interests. Value their good-heartedness as well as their sense of humour and intelligence. Don’t define them by what they do (my son the soccer player)" (Mcbride, 2008).
4. "Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been BIG stuff" (Wallace, 2001).
5. "It’s never ok to punish a child for exasperating behaviour that is due entirely to underdeveloped brain systems" (Sunderland, 2016).
6. "Children should not be burdened with making us happy, nor blamed for making us sad or angry. Children are not responsible for how we feel. We are"(Dann, 2024).
7. "Your children are not supposed to be your friends. Keep boundaries between parents and children. All children are meant to be on the same level. Don’t share adult information with them and overload them with your adult problems" (Mcbride, 2008).
8. "It’s not the child’s responsibility to make life easier for the adult; it’s the adults' responsibility to make life easier for the child" (Sampson, 2018).
9. "Respond to your children with love in their worst moments, their broken moments, their angry moments, their selfish moments, their lonely moments, their frustrated moments,and their inconvenient moments because it is in their most unlovable human moments that they most need to feel loved" (Knost, 2013).
10. "An infant's reflection in its parents' eyes is its only validation of its inner experience. Imagine if the infant is upset, but instead of reflecting back concern, the mother begins to laugh or becomes angry. Such a child experiences severe dissonance, becoming confused. If its parent empathises with it through their reassuring tone of voice and secure embrace, the infant feels validated in its emotion and will allow itself to be calmed. In this way it learns to be centred" (Shefali Tsabary, 2014).
11. "When we serve our children in a reasonably consistent manner, respectful of their dignity as our spiritual partners and friends, we enter a state of humility and gratitude. We give back because we have received so much. In doing so, we create a circle of lasting kinship and spiritual regeneration" (Shefali Tsabary, 2014).
Parenting a child is a tremendous task, the most rewarding and difficult we may ever undertake.
No one can do it perfectly.
The sooner we all accept this, the better.
Knowing this is a step in the right direction as it gives you a healthier awareness than your parents had when you were raised.
Awareness, acceptance and the ability to be accountable for our mistakes in itself is an invaluable gift that keeps on giving to both us as parents, our children and those around us.
Ultimately, authoritative parenting embraces the duality of challenges and growth. It encourages development through discipline while ensuring children feel understood and loved. This approach nurtures their potential to become resilient, empathetic, and emotionally balanced adults.
- Rebecca Young
Psychotherapist
CERT. Psychology. BA PsychologIical Science (Student -- 2022-CURRENT). ADV DIP Clinical Hypnotherapy, Psychotherapy, CBT & NLP. DIP Clinical Hypnotherapy, Psychotherapy, CBT & NLP. ACA & PACFA (Acc). DIP Children's Services. Visual Artist, Box Enthusiast, Beach Lover, Book & Craft Nerd, & Mother of 2 Humans & 1 Collie.
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References
Dann, L. (2024). Larissa’s blog. Parent Skills. https://www.parentskills.com.au/blogs/larissa
Knost, L. R. (2013). Two thousand kisses a day: gentle parenting through the ages and stages. Little Hearts Books, Llc.
Mcbride, K. (2008). Will I ever be good enough? : healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers. Free Press.
Sampson, R. (2018). Rachel Samon: Samson & Bulluss. Samsonandbulluss.com. https://samsonandbulluss.com/index.php/Home/about/rachel-samson
Sears, W., & Sears, M. (2002). The fussy baby: how to bring out the best in your high-need child. La Leche League International.
Shefali Tsabary. (2014). The conscious parent. Yellow Kite.
Sunderland, M. (2016). The Science of Parenting. Penguin.
Wallace, C. M. (2001). Motherhood in the Balance. Morehouse Publishing.
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